Snitch Game
by Silens Cursor
Summary: One evening, Harry's in a bit of a tight spot, so he travels over to the Hog's Head for a drink. What he gets is advice about sex in the wizarding world from none other than Nymphadora Tonks. Rated for mature content.


**_Author's Notes: written in an evening, this is a little something I'd like to toss out there. As always, read, review, and enjoy!_**

In a way, Nymphadora Tonks was regretful there wasn't a mirror placed advantageously behind the bar in the Hog's Head. It wasn't because she was an Auror and liked to keep a ready eye on everything in the bar. It wasn't even because she liked being able to steal looks at Aberforth Dumbledore's hand when they were playing poker after closing.

It was more because she really, _really_ wished she could have seen the expression that had crossed Harry Potter's face when he had stumbled into the Hog's Head at approximately nine-thirty nine on a Friday evening, his clothes and hair in utter disarray and an expression of sheer panic upon his face. From the small smirk on Aberforth's face, she knew it was a priceless expression.

She raised her own tumbler to her lips, her hair remaining long, curly, and dusky brown, as she watched Harry stumble to the bar and pull himself into a seat. A smile was crawling across her own face, because it had been a long time since she had seen Harry look so… _harried_, so to speak.

"Aberforth, two shots of Firewhiskey, the strongest you have," Harry gasped, wiping a sheen of sweat from his forehead.

"You couldn't handle the strongest stuff I had," Aberforth said with a snort, "and I remember the last time."

"This time, it's different," Harry said doggedly.

"You said that last time. And the last four times before that."

Harry gave Aberforth an exasperated look. "I can handle it."

"The goats don't like it when you throw up all over the side of my shed," Aberforth said reprovingly, "and when you throw up that stuff, you leave scorch marks all over the damn place –"

"As I said," Harry said after blowing out a long breath, "I can _handle_ it!"

Tonks could hardly restrain her snort now. "Right, and the Ministry of Magic is the most competent and efficient governmental office in the world."

Harry shot her an irritated look. "Oh, _excuse me_, then, if you doubt my liquor consumption abilities, miss –"

"Harry, I don't need to doubt," Tonks replied with a subtle wink, swallowing the remaining contents of her glass as her hair shortened and went bubblegum pink. "I remember Charlie's engagement party –"

Harry's eyes went wide. "Tonks, what the… how did you know about that?"

"Because you stood on a table and gave a rousing speech about how –"

Harry went red. "There's no need to revisit, ah, awkward moments –"

"It _was_ damned funny," Aberforth muttered, as he rooted around under the bar, pulling out a few bottles of Firewhiskey and uncorking them with loud pops.

"In any case, what are you doing here, Tonks, I thought you were on duty!"

"Dawlish took my shift tonight," Tonks replied with a shrug as she tapped her glass on the bar. "Only routine patrol around Dover, nothing to be too concerned about. What I'm curious about is why _you're_ here."

"Ah," Harry said, shifting a bit in his seat. "Well, uh… ah, well, I don't exactly know how to bring it up –"

"Harry, what did you do to my goat?" Aberforth said sternly.

"I didn't do anything to your goat!" Harry said hurriedly. "Honestly, that was coincidental!"

"Second last time you were here, I found in the goat pen that night, with bright orange paint all over the ceiling and your wand in the water trough."

"I told you before, that wasn't my –"

"And you were stark naked."

Tonks looked at Harry with an appraising look on her face. "Got something you want to share, Harry?"

Harry raised a finger and looked like he was choosing his words very carefully. Finally, he quickly glanced around and lowered his voice.

"That was Luna's idea."

Tonks' eyebrows shot into her hair. "She's kinky like that?"

"Knew something was off with that girl," Aberforth muttered to himself.

"Tonks, nothing happened, and there's nothing to be gained by asking how or why," Harry said briskly, the desperate edge in his voice giving away that he wanted to change the subject. "Anyway, that's not why I'm here."

"Which you still haven't told us," Tonks said, accepting the refilled tumbler of Firewhiskey and flicking a few Sickles to Aberforth. "And frankly, I'm getting a little curious."

"She's also getting a little tipsy," Aberforth said in a stage whisper to Harry. "That's her fourth tumbler."

Harry whistled with admiration as he accepted the first shot glass and looked carefully at the Firewhiskey inside, as if he was deliberating whether or not to drink.

"Well," he began slowly, "you know that after Voldemort died, I sort of… well, you know, cut loose a bit. Didn't go back to Hogwarts, didn't immediately enlist with the Aurors –"

"Kingsley's still peeved with you about that, by the way," Tonks interrupted.

"Well, I deserved a break!" Harry said defensively. "You know, it's been rough!"

"Harry, I _know _rough, in more ways than one," Tonks said with a salacious wink. "After all, I spent five months in St. Mungo's in a near-death coma brought upon by dear Aunt Bellatrix. They literally thought I was _dead_, and they would have thrown me in the ground with Remus if you hadn't –"

"It was an unnecessary funeral!" Harry said with exasperation. "And the eulogy was bad – I mean, come _on_, I wasn't going to let you get buried with _that_!"

"You leapt into the open grave and refused to come out unless you died first or they started to fill in the hole."

"Once again, Luna's idea, not mine," Harry retorted. "And besides, she was right… from a certain point of view –"

"So why are you here, Harry?" Tonks asked with a wink. "Looking for Firewhiskey and distinctly disheveled… rough night?"

"Tonks, it's not even ten o'clock yet!"

"You could've started early, I don't know," Tonks said, taking a pull from her glass. "So, having a little fun tonight?"

"Well… not exactly," Harry said, shifting in his seat.

"So is the fun happening or going to happen?" Tonks asked, gesturing for more information. "Come on, Harry, don't leave me hanging here, who's the girl?"

Harry went and he looked back down at his glass. "Shouldn't even be talking about this here…" he muttered.

"Oh come on, it's me and Aberforth here, and he's just going to keep giving you Firewhiskey as long as you have money," Tonks replied with a shrug, drawing her wand and twirling it around her finger.

"Don't count on that," Aberforth grumbled.

"Still kind of awkward, though!" Harry said defensively. "I mean, I've talked to three different people this afternoon and I still don't have a good answer!"

Tonks gave him a frank look. "Who did you talk to, Harry?"

"Ron, Hermione, and… Mr. Weasley," Harry mumbled.

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Well, it was definitely about sex then."

"_Tonks_!"

"Let's be realistic here, Harry, Arthur Weasley married Molly Weasley, and in the course of their marriage, they produced seven children, so how many times do you think they had sex?" Tonks asked, completely oblivious to Harry's shocked expression. "Answer's probably in the realm of _seven times_, and each of them was probably done in the exact _same_ way."

Harry closed his eyes, took a steadying breath, and in one motion, downed the shot with a gasp and a loud bang as he slammed the glass on the bar. Aberforth grunted and refilled the shot glass, shaking his head all the while.

"Shit," Harry muttered. "Thanks a lot, Tonks, now I'm going to have nightmares."

"And Ron and Hermione are probably only to get laid if Hermione's mounting a broomstick with a broken Anti-Vibration Charm and Ron's doing disturbing things to a copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ –"

"_Tonks!_"

"Yeah, you're right," Tonks said with a frown. "Probably not that book, though, Hermione wouldn't want stains all over –"

"Tonks, _please_."

"Ooh, I like it when guys say 'please' to me," Tonks said, a grin spreading across her face. "Of course, we're normally in a better setting –"

"Those were my friends you were talking about!"

"If you cannot look a friend and imagine them having wild sex, they are not a true friend to you," Tonks said seriously, clapping Harry on the shoulder. "And I consider you a true friend."

"But… but I…" Harry shook his head wily and before Tonks could start laughing, he downed his second shot and rapped the bar again.

"So, who's the girl?" Tonks asked conversationally, feeling a heady rush as she finished off her tumbler of Firewhiskey and tapped on the bar for another. "Someone I know?"

"Not sure, really," Harry said with a frown.

"Is it Ginny?"

Harry shuddered. "No – once was enough there."

"Luna?"

"She's a bit kinky for my tastes," Harry replied after a few seconds, a small grin settling on his face.

"And I should know if you and I are going at it," Tonks mused, ignoring the strangled noise from Harry as he choked on his third shot, "unless you're being a bastard and Obliviating people, so I'm stuck, really. Unless…" She lowered her voice and gave Harry a reproving look. "You're not with Hermione on the side, are you?"

"Merlin's pants, no!" Harry exclaimed, shaking his head wildly. "I mean… _no_, hell no!"

"Definitely not Hermione, then," Tonks said to herself. "So, unless you're having kinky threesomes with Bill and Fleur, I'm a little stuck. Not _that_ way, of course," she added. "That's one scene of Accidental Magic that you do _not_ want to have to deal with in your lifetime."

"Yes, well…" Harry struggled for words, even as he threw a few more Sickles on the bar. "Well… I, uh… look, do you remember Cho Chang?"

"Asian girl, right?" Tonks mused. "Ravenclaw, I think?"

"Right," Harry replied with relief.

"Nice face, pretty eyes, sexy ass –"

"What – _Tonks_!"

"You know, all the Quidditch training does wonderful thing to those muscles, I have to say it. Tits are a bit small, but we can work with that," Tonks said, ignoring Harry's sputtering.

"How can you – I mean, you can't just _change_ that sort of –"

Tonks gave Harry an exasperated look, and before his astounded eyes, the low-cut top that Tonks was wearing seemed to strain a bit at the seams around her chest. Harry's eyes widened.

"Tonks, that's cheating!"

"Is not."

"Is to!"

"Is not."

"Is to!"

"Absolutely not, I'm using my talents, and my mother always told me that if you don't use your talents, you're not using all of your potential," Tonks said, feigning haughtiness as she downed the rest of her drink with a single swallow.

"Certainly have potential there…" Harry muttered.

"I heard that Harry, and we'll talk about _that_ later," Tonks replied with another wink. "So what's with Cho? Having a good time?"

"Well, we've been out a few times – just got back from a date, as a matter of fact –"

"You got back from a date with Cho… and you came here?" Tonks asked incredulously.

"We're meeting up again later!"

"Still, bad form, Harry, bad form," Tonks said reprovingly. "We might be able to salvage this, though. Are you prepared for sex tonight?"

"_What_?"

"You heard me: are you prepared for sex tonight?" Tonks asked sternly. "You'd better be, because Cho's probably back at her place tarting herself up just so she can put on a great show when the great Harry Potter saunters in and wields his Wand of Destiny."

"Tonks, _come_ on –"

"Well, I hope you don't _on_ her, she's probably not _that_ kinky –"

Harry went bright red. "Tonks, please, I need help."

"You're saying 'please' again, Harry, and I'm not sure how I should take that –"

"Tonks, I don't know what to expect tonight!" Harry said desperately. "If anything, I was going here because... well, I needed a little courage."

"And you got me instead," Tonks said with a winning smile. "We can make this work, Harry, don't worry! So, let's start with the basics: you've kissed Cho before, right?"

"Er… right." Harry shifted in his seat again, and Tonks could see the dull flush on his face.

"What's the matter?"

"I don't think it was very good."

"You didn't pucker, did you?" Tonks asked with a frown.

"No… it was just….just kind of… wet," Harry finished, rather lamely.

Tonks sat bolt upright. "So the rumors _are_ true."

"What rumors?"

"You can make girls _wet_ right from kissing them?" She shook her head solemnly. "Harry Potter, I never would have known."

"Not _that_ kind of wet, Tonks!" Harry said, his face now bright crimson as he tossed another few Sickles on the bar. "She was crying!"

"Oh." Tonks' face fell. "Well, there goes _that_ fantasy…"

"What fantasy?"

"Never mind, Harry, why was Cho crying?"

"Apparently, Hermione said she was conflicted –"

"And she's dating you now… why?"

"Well, we have a lot in common," Harry said after a few seconds of thought that Tonks guessed was likely quite profound. "And… well, we talk a lot –"

Tonks snorted. "And she knows you want to ram your penis into her so hard that if she was holding her wand, it would be shooting thick streams of cum as well."

Harry's mouth fell open, and Aberforth scowled at Tonks, who was trying not laugh at Harry's horrified expression.

"How… how do you –" he finally began.

"Listen to me, Harry," Tonks cut him off in a matter-of-fact manner. "I'm a Metamorphmagus, and contrary to popular belief in our world, sex is not _everything_ we do – only most of it. But I do happen to have a few pieces of knowledge, and I was adventurous at Hogwarts and before I entered the Aurors, so it could be said I have a wealth of experience to draw upon. And I know Cho's type of girl – she's probably lonely and absolutely thrilled that she's getting another chance to go out with you. Subsequently, she's going to be putting in a lot of effort and you should really return the favour. Do you know what she's into?"

"I can't say I've asked her –"

"Well, unless she's one of those closet kinky types, you should stick to the basics. Build your rhythm, and stay on course. Sort of like a spell, I think – _Wingardium, _then the _Leviosa_," Tonks explained patiently. "Although, _that_ spell can make for some interesting sex, let me tell you –"

"Tonks –"

"You'll want to be careful what you're levitating, though, and dropping the spell at the wrong time can get very unpleasant very quickly." Tonks shuddered. "I _knew_ him levitating that pot of warm chocolate sauce was a bad idea…"

"_What_?"

"He was pouring it, I was going down on him, he climaxed, spell broke, and the falling pot knocked him out," Tonks said frankly, with a shrug. "Lesson learned, I think. Also, never magically charge your semen."

"Oh, you've got to be kidding –"

"You use those little Engorgement Charms, one miscast and at the wrong moment you can blow a girl straight through the wall," Tonks said with a wink. "Although, if your girlfriend's got one of those Chinese houses with the paper walls –"

"I'm not entirely sure –"

"And we have to talk about foreplay here, because half the battle is won there," Tonks continued blithely on, knocking back another shot with a contented sigh, her hair shifting straight to blonde. "Word of advice, though – unless you're _very_ comfortable with your Severing Charms, you'll want to avoid cutting the clothes off or you'll hit something much more important –"

"Tonks, I don't think –"

"And role-play's fun, don't get me wrong, Harry, but you'll want to go easy on the Cheering Charms. Too many of those, and you'll be bouncing off the walls – literally – spraying your ecstasy all over the curtains and the wallpaper, and those stains are _not_ easy to get out." Tonks gave Harry a decisive nod. "And I didn't even get into the Quidditch stuff –"

"What Quidditch stuff?" Harry asked warily.

"Well, if she asks to play the Snitch Game, she either doesn't know what she's talking about or she's _really_ horny." Tonks winked.

"What's… the Snitch Game?" Harry asked cautiously.

"Sure you want to know?" Tonks asked with a devilish smile.

"He doesn't want to know," Aberforth interrupted gruffly. "Trust me, Potter, you _don't_ want to know."

"Well, let me put it this way," Tonks said, grinning widely. "I think I remember George telling me you caught a Snitch in your mouth in your first year – that true?"

"Yes," Harry replied.

Tonks clapped him on the shoulder. "You'll do fine. Just make sure you know in which of the two she's putting it."

"In which of the…" Harry's voice trailed off, and Tonks burst out laughing.

"H-how do you _know_ all of this?" Harry asked incredulously. "I mean, I would never have thought –"

"Oh, I get around, Harry," Tonks replied with another wink and salacious smile.

Harry shook his head and downed the last of the shots in front of him with several decisive motions before shaking his head and breathing very heavily as he looked at Tonks.

"I think," he said finally, "that I'm ready now."

He got to his feet. Tonks got up too, her hair returning to pink as she twirled her wand absently.

"Where are you going?"

"Me?" Tonks replied innocently. "I'm coming with you."

"But I'm going on a date."

"Eh, I'm bored. Can I come?"

"Why would I want you to come?"

"Well, I _did_ just give you enough advice to satisfy at least one evening, but I've got a repertoire of some truly spectacular moves," Tonks said with a graceless bow that nearly had her stumble against the bar.

"I'm not sure…"

Tonks glared at him. "Harry, I'm offering you a threesome with two girls, one of whom is willing to do nearly everything, and one of whom who has _done_ nearly everything and who is a Metamorphmagus to boot. The appropriate response is 'Yes', or 'Fuck yes' or some other version of the affirmative with an exclamation point in some location."

"Are you horny or something?" Harry asked warily.

"Absolutely, and besides, you need balance in all relationships, particularly this one," Tonks said firmly. "I'll provide the tits, and Cho can provide the ass. It's a win-win situation."

"I… well…"

"Harry, they _can _get bigger, you know," Tonks said with a smile, gesturing towards her breasts, which seemed to strain against the confines of her top.

Tonks watched as Harry considered this, while Aberforth rolled his eyes.

"Well… all right, okay, you can come," Harry said finally, rubbing his jaw. "Just… let's keep things simple, okay?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Tonks replied, shooting Aberforth a wink as Harry turned away.

"Just make sure you stay away from my goat shed," Aberforth muttered to himself as the two left the bar. "None of _them_ want to play any Snitch Game – and Merlin help me if they did."


End file.
